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The Catalyst
This is where it all started. Well, not exactly… but it was the walk on that very evening which generated the spark and set everything in motion.
For many years, I’ve celebrated my birthday with a trip, so this year was no different. London was the destination of choice. I was looking forward to the festivities, but most importantly, to a much needed break from the mayhem that my professional life had become. I’ll save the details of my birthday trip, perhaps, for a later time.
The (second to) last evening in London was spent with Ray and Marie, my good friends of nearly a decade, who had invited me to dinner at Scott’s. As always, we had a lovely time with endless conversation and laughs. Then came the serious part of the evening when we opened Pandora’s box on the general topic of life – and balance. As I was thinking of how to best detail this part of the evening, I decided to share with you what I had jotted down later than night after getting home. It’s real and it’s raw.
I have a strong urge and need to pour out a multitude of thoughts and emotions that are stirring through me. After dinner with Ray and Marie, I walked to the Tube, looking at the shops already closed for the day, immersed in my thoughts. Thoughts that I’d pretty much been having throughout the week. Thoughts of having a more comfortable life: emotional freedom and mental tranquility. Thoughts of how I could go about having such a life. Thoughts of how trapped I currently feel. Thoughts of how I have not lived my life to the fullest as I’ve wanted to or I’ve thought I should. Thoughts of how risk averse I’ve been – and what have been the drivers of the fear of change. I’m wondering once again whether I’m having a midlife crisis. I so wish someone had an answer for me, but like many things, I’d need to figure it out on my own.
I thought of my sister, and how courageous and brave she is. Of course, I texted her “Just wanted to say I love you and I miss you”. I knew the exact advice she would give me had I expelled the trail of fragmented yet interconnected thoughts. I wished that I’d been bolder with certain aspects of my life, but I’d chosen to play it safe for a number of reasons. Regardless of the reasons, it had been up to me to do things differently so if there is any assignment of blame, it’s on me.
For several weeks prior to my trip, I’d felt the need for a fresh start, let’s say professionally and geographically. While in London, my friends have been repeatedly telling me that I should move. Ray gave me some very sounds advice tonight: “Don’t ever doubt yourself”, “Don’t apologize and don’t feel bad for who you are and for not fitting in”, and “You’ll figure it out when you get there”. He and Marie kept telling me that they couldn’t see how my personality fit the LA lifestyle, and that I’d be much happier in Europe, or perhaps the East Coast if leaving the US wasn’t an option at this time. One of my closest friends whom I’ve known since childhood and her husband, Lara and Bert, have been telling me the same thing. They’re definitely not wrong. Though a move sounds enticing, I’d be leaving behind my family and friends. The security of what I’ve known my entire adult life. The comfort of being uncomfortable in chaos and dysfunction that is LA.
The advice of my friends didn’t fall on deaf ears. They are successful professionals with unparalleled accolades – I’m extremely proud of them, and not only do I admire them, I draw inspiration from them. Yet, they hadn’t sacrificed every single part of themselves to get there. They had managed to find the balance that I continued to lack. They likely didn’t start out this way, but certainly, had assessed their lives at some point and made the necessary adjustments: a step that I’d started to take on many occasions, but quickly abandoned and forgotten because I allowed old habits to entangle me even though I was doing my best to break away.
I hope I can organize my thoughts, have some clarity, and find a productive path forward because I refuse to allow life to continue passing me by. I have to prioritize myself and I have to live NOW!
Good night xx
Who would have guessed that on that night, everything would change, forever?
*The names of my high-profile friends in this entry have been changed to protect their identifies.
